maandag 26 september 2016
maandag 12 september 2016
abandonment
Oh, it's been too long since I wrote anything to anyone.
I'm sitting in my new apartment, surrounded by new friends, and new events and new this and new that.. and I find a familiar feeling dragging me down again.
It's a strong pull, and I acknowledge that I'm only writing because I've already been dragged down, held under and spit back out, dizzy and slightly sick on the edge - safe for now, but not for long.
A friend is getting married, a friend left suddenly, a friend can't move back and I have only one word to describe how I react to that.
Abandonment.
It's a big word. A harsh word.
I don't like it. I don't own it.
I don't even want to write about it, let alone feel it.
But it's still at the core of me.
I hate it. I hate being so broken. I have things to do and people to see. One day I'll reverse that order. moving on...
Close friends know this about me. I'm sure it's with frustration and sadness they recognize the ebb and flow of my fear each year and each new life event. I become ornery, sarcastic, defensive and preemptive. I will scuttle my own boat - before you do it for me.
I know these things about myself.
And every time I transition or people transition out of my life (or out of one aspect of it) I melt down.
These last few years I've done so much work to be healthy, to be conscious about my choices, to live well - and I've become so much more of a real person.
I've finally started to make decisions on what my personality and character would enjoy rather than what I felt obligated to do.
And each victory opens up a part of me I've closed off, and then I panic because
I. don't. want. to. deal. with. all. the. feels.
I don't know how. I'm don't know how to feel safe in emotions. I don't know how to feel.
This is my M.O.:
I get triggered. I slam shut. I experience physical pain. I throw up.
It's getting better. I don't ALWAYS throw up when I should cry instead. Now I'm at the point where I will tear up in public and panic because I think I am going to throw up - but I don't.
Is this the best forum for all of this emoting?
Is this the best way to heal and grow?
I'm not sure.
I'm not posting this for sympathy or for encouragement - I'm posting it as an exercise in stoic vulnerability (hehe, I know those don't work together) because when it's not fucking exhausting and terrifying, it's rather a good experience.
I need more emotional range, and I need to stop living in the worst possibles and the what ifs. I've had too many people invest too much time in me to feel this way.
It's not my character, it's not my destiny, it's a knee jerk reaction I developed as a young child and have never really challenged.
I'm sitting in my new apartment, surrounded by new friends, and new events and new this and new that.. and I find a familiar feeling dragging me down again.
It's a strong pull, and I acknowledge that I'm only writing because I've already been dragged down, held under and spit back out, dizzy and slightly sick on the edge - safe for now, but not for long.
A friend is getting married, a friend left suddenly, a friend can't move back and I have only one word to describe how I react to that.
Abandonment.
It's a big word. A harsh word.
I don't like it. I don't own it.
I don't even want to write about it, let alone feel it.
But it's still at the core of me.
I hate it. I hate being so broken. I have things to do and people to see. One day I'll reverse that order. moving on...
Close friends know this about me. I'm sure it's with frustration and sadness they recognize the ebb and flow of my fear each year and each new life event. I become ornery, sarcastic, defensive and preemptive. I will scuttle my own boat - before you do it for me.
I know these things about myself.
And every time I transition or people transition out of my life (or out of one aspect of it) I melt down.
These last few years I've done so much work to be healthy, to be conscious about my choices, to live well - and I've become so much more of a real person.
I've finally started to make decisions on what my personality and character would enjoy rather than what I felt obligated to do.
And each victory opens up a part of me I've closed off, and then I panic because
I. don't. want. to. deal. with. all. the. feels.
I don't know how. I'm don't know how to feel safe in emotions. I don't know how to feel.
This is my M.O.:
I get triggered. I slam shut. I experience physical pain. I throw up.
It's getting better. I don't ALWAYS throw up when I should cry instead. Now I'm at the point where I will tear up in public and panic because I think I am going to throw up - but I don't.
Is this the best forum for all of this emoting?
Is this the best way to heal and grow?
I'm not sure.
I'm not posting this for sympathy or for encouragement - I'm posting it as an exercise in stoic vulnerability (hehe, I know those don't work together) because when it's not fucking exhausting and terrifying, it's rather a good experience.
I need more emotional range, and I need to stop living in the worst possibles and the what ifs. I've had too many people invest too much time in me to feel this way.
It's not my character, it's not my destiny, it's a knee jerk reaction I developed as a young child and have never really challenged.
dinsdag 29 maart 2016
Easter update
Update on Events:
Travel:
Quisqueya offered a France and Spain tour for our students this carnival break and I got to go as one of the chaperones! It was a wonderful, beautiful time (except for the times spent in a bus.. those were bad days) and I got to see a few things I had previously only dreamed of. The big highlight was seeing the Sagrada Familia up close and personal. I may have just wandered around, quietly touching the stone pillars every now and then, just to remind myself of the reality of the moment. The church itself is still in construction, but it is simply breathtaking. Gaudi built it as a living breathing prayer and you do feel the sensation of worship as you wander through. The other highlight was actually walking on the Camino Santiago for about 15 minutes in Bordeaux and again in Pamplona. I may have whispered a 'we will meet again' into the ear of the bronze shells marking the path.
Change of Directors
We had a sudden upset a few weeks ago, when in the middle of accreditation year, our director stepped down and the high school principal took over. The transition was sudden and rocky, and it has repercussions I'm not sure I've considered yet. For a while I was unsure as to wether I could stay at the school, but I am still committed to being here for two more years.
Loss of Teachers
This year also saw the loss of a bunch of teachers. We had two teachers leave because of a child's health complications, another 2 leave over the ZIKA virus scare. Others left for other reasons and it has left our school short staffed. People are filling in, and covering other classes. I am personally babysitting a calculus class two hours a week and teaching French literature and history for another two hours. This replaces the sewing class I was teaching. If you know of any teachers interested in teaching abroad, please direct them to our website!
Change of apartment
I moved in with friends. The school's vehicle that was allocated to the apartment complex broke down once and for all, and it just became too complicated to get to and from school. I had thought I could walk back and forth when I first moved, but since then, the political situation has made it a bit more difficult. We'd had one murder on our street, and three robbers were shot a few streets down, so I was not feeling very safe commuting back and forth. The move has been great! I love my new room, and it comes with a porch, so I can sit outside and grade.
Belgium
Among all the other crazy of my life, I woke up last Tuesday to the news that the Zaventem Airport had been bombed. It was a strange few days as I knew the size and location of the blasts meant the likelihood of there being anyone I knew being in the vicinity was almost non-existent, I did have one friend who was on the next metro in the Maelbeek station. The images on the news were of places I was very familiar with. It was hard for me because it was so far away for so many of my coworkers and friends. They did not immediately connect the news to me, and I had to tell people over and over again that it was my hometown. There really are no words for what happened, so I will leave it at that.
I had already had a chapel prepared for the next day. Ironically, it was about forgiveness, and I had meant to use the Rwandan forgiveness project as an example, but instead I used the news I had received. No matter where these bombings take place, no matter who is involved, a part of me hurts for those who initiated the attack. They are so far gone, so lost in their fear, pain, hatred.. that this seemed like a good idea. I pray for the one who didn't detonate his bomb. I pray he's given a chance to face himself and his past.
Easter Break
This last weekend was Easter Break and with all the previous stuff, I realised I needed to get out and have a break. Two friends and I drove to the Artibonite valley, the breadbasket of Haiti. We planned to stop by Sodo, (Saut d'eau) a major waterfall and historic site in Haiti, on our way in. Well, we did get to see it, but the car decided to act up, threatening to overheat multiple times, so we pulled over three times to refill the radiator. It was clear the radiator had a leak, but we were hoping to make it to our destination and get it looked at there. We made it to about 20 minutes away from Desarmes, when we pulled over for the last time. Although the engine had not overheated, water was pouring out the bottom, and we couldn't find a leak. When anything like this happens in Haiti, you're surrounded by a crowd of helpful onlookers, and we were soon discussing how to fix this problem with not just the three of us, but a small group of questionable 'mechanics'. We did eventually decide to try to catch public transport to the next town and I would come back with a mechanic, if we could find one. (or find one qualified to fix it.. not always the same thing) As I said this, my friend pointed out that she'd seen no TapTap's or Moto's drive by in a while, and I started to get a sinking feeling in my stomach that I'd really done it that time. Just then, a shiny BMW pulls up, and a short dominican guy jumps out. He tells me in heavily accented Spanish (or maybe it was MY Spanish that was accented) that he's a mechanic and promptly pulls out a double decker toolbox. I surreptitiously peeked in and saw that he had both WD40 and electrical tape prominently displayed.. so I knew I could trust him. He actually hopped up on the toolbox to look into the engine and promptly asked for 'Agua' so I gave him that..
After a little more poking and prodding, he asked for 'tres huevos'. I know enough Spanish to know that means eggs.... but it really wasn't what I expected to hear from him. I clarified a few different ways. 'huevos.. para comer??', 'huevos, de un pollo?' and he patiently repeated 'si, tres huevos' each time. So I relayed it to my friend, who translated it into Creole, and each step of the way we had to work through the thought that this might be a cultural misunderstanding. But eggs were brought and eggs were promptly cracked into the radiator, and he started the engine up and told us we could get where ever we needed to go, but once the engine was turned of, to get the car looked at. We got into the car and drove off.. trying to digest the strange incident of the three eggs and the radiator. They got us to our destination, and we called a mechanic who came the next day and took the radiator away on a moto and brought it back nice and fixed. The rest of the weekend was relaxing and beautiful. We enjoyed breathing fresh air, and walking around without worrying about our safety or being shot at. The car drove well the rest of the weekend, and we made it home safe. It was a rewarding experience to have figured out how to get by and problem solve in Haiti. It can seem daunting, trying to communicate and travel around, but it turned out that people are super friendly when you're in trouble.
Summer Plans
I have just bought tickets for the summer! I will be spending June in Belgium. I have two unscheduled weeks, and three where I will be working on a farm, trying to improve my French. The second month I will be in France, doing some hiking, camping and general lesson planning and scheduling for the next year. I am exited to be going back home after only a few months away!
Prayer:
Struggles:
- Faith: I am listening to quite a negative script in my head, and I am actively looking to rewrite it. But changing ingrained thought patterns is hard, and I do not always do this gracefully. I forget to practice trusting, and my faith suffers from it.
- Security: Last update I confessed I struggled with being single. I thought I had turned a corner, but I find it's still a painful struggle to find contentment in life. I won't let it sap my joy, but each time a dear friend leaves, or there is sudden uncertainty in my life, I find myself wishing all the more for someone to share the burdens with. As far as I am aware, there is nothing I can do about the situation, other than remind myself that this is where God has seemed to place me.
- Peace: That one's self explanatory.
- Rewiring my mind: I am reading two books that are radically shifting how I view the world.
- Surprised by Hope, by N.T. Wright: This book gives me back the reason for our faith.
- The Body Keeps the Score: A book about PTSD, and while I have no idea why I qualify for that category, the book reads like a how-to manual for my entire personality. I have found in the pages of the book quoted conversations in which patients explain their thought process, and it is almost verbatim words I have at one time or another used to explain myself. They even have a chapter on the Vagus nerve and what it is responsible for. I mean, a whole chapter!!!! It gives me so much more information to work with, and helps me understand myself in ways I had not even known I could. I highly recommend that book
Ok, if I write any more, I will just lose most of you anyways. Thanks for reading this far!
- Surprised by Hope, by N.T. Wright: This book gives me back the reason for our faith.
- The Body Keeps the Score: A book about PTSD, and while I have no idea why I qualify for that category, the book reads like a how-to manual for my entire personality. I have found in the pages of the book quoted conversations in which patients explain their thought process, and it is almost verbatim words I have at one time or another used to explain myself. They even have a chapter on the Vagus nerve and what it is responsible for. I mean, a whole chapter!!!! It gives me so much more information to work with, and helps me understand myself in ways I had not even known I could. I highly recommend that book
donderdag 31 december 2015
Christmas/New Year update
Hello all!
I have been horribly remiss in keeping in touch. Let me remedy this now.
I'm sitting in the dining/living room area of my own little appartment, the smell of freshly baked, gluten-free cookies (courtesy of Irene Pruitt) is filling my house and the internet is finally working again. So, before the New Year drags me under again with all it's busy-ness, let me sit a while with you and my cup of coffee and catch up.
Last you heard of me I was off on a wild dash through the States and Europe, nervous about the summer, nervous about all the people I would be meeting.
Weddings:
The two Laura's in my life got married. It was beautiful, it was crazy, it was all things weddings should be, the pictures are on facebook. There just wasn't enough time. I finally have decided that I am not going to be in any more weddings. I've been in 8, but only attended 2. The rush and the bustle meant I had little time to actually catch up with people I care about, to learn about their lives, to sit next to them and just watch them talk. That's the cost of living far away, and I hate paying it. Being at the weddings also challenged me to think through my own life. I found a lot of bitterness there for still being single - that's just not going to be acceptable. Some of it is motivated by fear. The what-if's of living alone (especially when there are gun shots next door) are always going to be there. My new mantras are 'eh, no one's getting out of this alive anyways' and, 'being single, I always get the last word.'
Family:
It was such a blessing to be able to spend a week with my sister and her family. She has a nice grown-up house in Georgia and I got to sit and play with my nephews and niece. They are the sweetest kids (yes, Ria, I can hear your eyes roll from here) and I thoroughly enjoyed hyping them up on fun and sugar before handing them back to their parents. Her family settles me and gives me a place I feel I can return to.
Belgium:
The big update from the summer is of course that I went home for an extended period. I'd been back to Belgium twice since my parents left. Both were short trips and I didn't have a list of things I wanted to do or see. This time I was going back with a purpose, to find home. I stayed with friends who still had the same toys out that I used to play with. They still owned things that had my family's name and history on it. They still lived in the same house they have always lived. I spent a month visiting, biking, eating, living in the country to remind myself that it still is my home. Friends took me on exploration trips, and I got to do things the 'normal' way. For those of you who've lived in different places, you know what I mean. Doing things the way you were trained to do them first. One of my highlights was staying with old church friends in Ieper. They kindly let me spend the night and borrow a bike, and I was able to bike through some of the WWI trench lines. The area still turns up a surprising amount of explosives (300 tons according to this link). If you are killed by one of them, you're added to the list of the war dead... if I'm 90 and cancerous, I will make my way to the Westhoek and find a bomb. (Last known casualty of WWI was this year... weird to think of) One of the most moving moments was when I was biking down a farm path, and my map didn't show anything 'memorable' so I was just coasting. I decided to stop and take a break because the area was so peaceful. There were fields of corn and a typical Flemish farmhouse and tall trees and the country kind of silence. Then my eyes hit the sign. I was standing on the outskirts of Pashendaele. It was one of the worst areas of trench warfare. Mud so deep it would drown men and horses. No trees, no life, just rats and waterlogged trenches. (If you need a visual). Studying the war in history and literature, Pashendaels is the nadir of the human race. This is where PTSD was first documented (they called it Shellshock. It destroyed men). Yet after so much destruction, the land healed, the farms returned. That image is still something I think of when I look at Haiti, or Syria, or my own life. Destruction is real, but so is restoration. And there is restoration so total that I could rest and be restored in a place that 100 years ago was synonymous with hell.
Fall Semester
This year started rough. I came in fairly burned out from the summer and visiting Belgium had opened up some huge areas of personal growth for me. I came to Haiti very discombobulated and flustered and of course, we'd replaced half of our high school staff so I had lost a big part of my social group. I then signed up to teach an online college course and that was a mistake. It's been a semester of silence and darkness and processing and groping around. We all have seasons like that, I think , and they are as needed as the happier ones. There are things in my life that mustn't be in there for my own health and safety. There were a few illuminating moments (which I share here in case anyone else also needs those moments, otherwise, embarrasement would have me keep them to myself) in which I realized many of my physical symptoms were misplaced emotional symptoms. One of the dangerous side effects of ministry is that emotions are often neglected or are actively destroyed. I don't think I've ever had a clear idea of what to do with them. Of course I have them. I just don't know that I do. I had a few scary nights in which I began throwing up every time I tried to talk about a memory in my past. Not a terrible memory, but my body was reacting as if it was. I had to call in friends to sit through it with me. It was messy and embarrasing, but ultimately freeing. My prayer for the new year is that I can cry without it turning into a migraine or vomiting. That's enough gory details for the blog. Enough to say that I am putting a lot of work into becoming stronger and healthier and it's beginning to pay off.
Christmas break:
I chose not to travel over Christmas. Haiti is my home, and although I deeply miss family, I love the traditions this country has allowed me to be a part of. Christmas and New Years both remind me of Belgium and so I stayed. It's hard to be away from family, but it's good to be in my own home with my own little decorations around me. Also, Haiti has mountains and a beach. I cannot resist exploring here. I've had some hiking adventures and I've pickled Okra (so proud of myself) I've watched a lot of movies and have hand-stiched two rows on my quilt. I've had time to quietly think about faith and prayer and life and how they all intersect. The Christmas story is so familiar yet so surprising every year.
Next Semester:
This coming semester will be quieter, I hope. Oh wait! I get to go to France and Spain on a school trip! I am so excited about this. I'm still teaching American Lit and British Lit, and I also will be teaching a sewing class. I'm excited to take the students on some field trips to local artists who are recycling and sewing trash into handbags.
Students:
My students this year are more challenging than the last few years. They are tired of being in school and they are stressed. I need wisdom and patience as I teach them and a good ear to hear what they are really saying. Getting them to turn in work has been like pulling teeth, but with the result that I feel a sense of accomplishment when they do turn around and get a good grade! I am too often swayed by their negativity. (why do we even have to read this stuff?? oh man.. they have a point. Why am I making them read this?? What am I doing to them??) It's been a semester of learning to not cater to their wants but to their needs. We're also working on curriculum and that has been such a huge challenge for me. I do not do well with structure, and repetition and I am learning now how to break the old habits of not having habits (yes.. that sounds contradictory, but it makes sense)
Anyways. I could go on and on, but if I do you guys won't read it all anyways, and I won't remember what I typed. Besides, my coffee is long gone, and I need to get ready for my New Years Eve party.
I'm currently debating whether to take a taptap or a moto and how to cross that much of town in one go.
I have been horribly remiss in keeping in touch. Let me remedy this now.
I'm sitting in the dining/living room area of my own little appartment, the smell of freshly baked, gluten-free cookies (courtesy of Irene Pruitt) is filling my house and the internet is finally working again. So, before the New Year drags me under again with all it's busy-ness, let me sit a while with you and my cup of coffee and catch up.
Last you heard of me I was off on a wild dash through the States and Europe, nervous about the summer, nervous about all the people I would be meeting.
Weddings:
The two Laura's in my life got married. It was beautiful, it was crazy, it was all things weddings should be, the pictures are on facebook. There just wasn't enough time. I finally have decided that I am not going to be in any more weddings. I've been in 8, but only attended 2. The rush and the bustle meant I had little time to actually catch up with people I care about, to learn about their lives, to sit next to them and just watch them talk. That's the cost of living far away, and I hate paying it. Being at the weddings also challenged me to think through my own life. I found a lot of bitterness there for still being single - that's just not going to be acceptable. Some of it is motivated by fear. The what-if's of living alone (especially when there are gun shots next door) are always going to be there. My new mantras are 'eh, no one's getting out of this alive anyways' and, 'being single, I always get the last word.'
Family:
It was such a blessing to be able to spend a week with my sister and her family. She has a nice grown-up house in Georgia and I got to sit and play with my nephews and niece. They are the sweetest kids (yes, Ria, I can hear your eyes roll from here) and I thoroughly enjoyed hyping them up on fun and sugar before handing them back to their parents. Her family settles me and gives me a place I feel I can return to.
Belgium:
The big update from the summer is of course that I went home for an extended period. I'd been back to Belgium twice since my parents left. Both were short trips and I didn't have a list of things I wanted to do or see. This time I was going back with a purpose, to find home. I stayed with friends who still had the same toys out that I used to play with. They still owned things that had my family's name and history on it. They still lived in the same house they have always lived. I spent a month visiting, biking, eating, living in the country to remind myself that it still is my home. Friends took me on exploration trips, and I got to do things the 'normal' way. For those of you who've lived in different places, you know what I mean. Doing things the way you were trained to do them first. One of my highlights was staying with old church friends in Ieper. They kindly let me spend the night and borrow a bike, and I was able to bike through some of the WWI trench lines. The area still turns up a surprising amount of explosives (300 tons according to this link). If you are killed by one of them, you're added to the list of the war dead... if I'm 90 and cancerous, I will make my way to the Westhoek and find a bomb. (Last known casualty of WWI was this year... weird to think of) One of the most moving moments was when I was biking down a farm path, and my map didn't show anything 'memorable' so I was just coasting. I decided to stop and take a break because the area was so peaceful. There were fields of corn and a typical Flemish farmhouse and tall trees and the country kind of silence. Then my eyes hit the sign. I was standing on the outskirts of Pashendaele. It was one of the worst areas of trench warfare. Mud so deep it would drown men and horses. No trees, no life, just rats and waterlogged trenches. (If you need a visual). Studying the war in history and literature, Pashendaels is the nadir of the human race. This is where PTSD was first documented (they called it Shellshock. It destroyed men). Yet after so much destruction, the land healed, the farms returned. That image is still something I think of when I look at Haiti, or Syria, or my own life. Destruction is real, but so is restoration. And there is restoration so total that I could rest and be restored in a place that 100 years ago was synonymous with hell.
Fall Semester
This year started rough. I came in fairly burned out from the summer and visiting Belgium had opened up some huge areas of personal growth for me. I came to Haiti very discombobulated and flustered and of course, we'd replaced half of our high school staff so I had lost a big part of my social group. I then signed up to teach an online college course and that was a mistake. It's been a semester of silence and darkness and processing and groping around. We all have seasons like that, I think , and they are as needed as the happier ones. There are things in my life that mustn't be in there for my own health and safety. There were a few illuminating moments (which I share here in case anyone else also needs those moments, otherwise, embarrasement would have me keep them to myself) in which I realized many of my physical symptoms were misplaced emotional symptoms. One of the dangerous side effects of ministry is that emotions are often neglected or are actively destroyed. I don't think I've ever had a clear idea of what to do with them. Of course I have them. I just don't know that I do. I had a few scary nights in which I began throwing up every time I tried to talk about a memory in my past. Not a terrible memory, but my body was reacting as if it was. I had to call in friends to sit through it with me. It was messy and embarrasing, but ultimately freeing. My prayer for the new year is that I can cry without it turning into a migraine or vomiting. That's enough gory details for the blog. Enough to say that I am putting a lot of work into becoming stronger and healthier and it's beginning to pay off.
Christmas break:
I chose not to travel over Christmas. Haiti is my home, and although I deeply miss family, I love the traditions this country has allowed me to be a part of. Christmas and New Years both remind me of Belgium and so I stayed. It's hard to be away from family, but it's good to be in my own home with my own little decorations around me. Also, Haiti has mountains and a beach. I cannot resist exploring here. I've had some hiking adventures and I've pickled Okra (so proud of myself) I've watched a lot of movies and have hand-stiched two rows on my quilt. I've had time to quietly think about faith and prayer and life and how they all intersect. The Christmas story is so familiar yet so surprising every year.
Next Semester:
This coming semester will be quieter, I hope. Oh wait! I get to go to France and Spain on a school trip! I am so excited about this. I'm still teaching American Lit and British Lit, and I also will be teaching a sewing class. I'm excited to take the students on some field trips to local artists who are recycling and sewing trash into handbags.
Students:
My students this year are more challenging than the last few years. They are tired of being in school and they are stressed. I need wisdom and patience as I teach them and a good ear to hear what they are really saying. Getting them to turn in work has been like pulling teeth, but with the result that I feel a sense of accomplishment when they do turn around and get a good grade! I am too often swayed by their negativity. (why do we even have to read this stuff?? oh man.. they have a point. Why am I making them read this?? What am I doing to them??) It's been a semester of learning to not cater to their wants but to their needs. We're also working on curriculum and that has been such a huge challenge for me. I do not do well with structure, and repetition and I am learning now how to break the old habits of not having habits (yes.. that sounds contradictory, but it makes sense)
Anyways. I could go on and on, but if I do you guys won't read it all anyways, and I won't remember what I typed. Besides, my coffee is long gone, and I need to get ready for my New Years Eve party.
I'm currently debating whether to take a taptap or a moto and how to cross that much of town in one go.
maandag 18 mei 2015
Last minute thoughts before my mad dash
I went snorkeling on Saturday and fell into a deep depression. No. that's not a sea joke, but an odd state of affairs non the less. I've been gasping like a fish on land for two days trying to understand what was wrong with me.
I mean, seriously, swimming over what seemed like a mile of coral reef, criss-crossing over fan coral, brain coral, zebra fish, sea anemones, surfacing to the green trees of southern Haiti, eating a surprisingly delicious, thoroughly french meal, getting free samples of flavored rum, reading a new Asterix comic... How does this lead to me stretched out on the sofa, sick to my stomach, almost catatonic? ( I don't even remember what meals I ate)
And it hit me last night that I had truly enjoyed a day at the beach in my new home. Yes, I've lived here for almost two years, but this last week I've truly felt that I've finally settled here. I care about this place. I care about these people. My students are important and as they leave they take a part of me with them. My co-workers and friends are now my new normal and a large chunk of them are leaving as well.
And this is a very public place to be exposing all of this. But honestly, I need my community to understand. I need to let this be said in a public space.
I have too many homes.
This summer, I leave my home (Haiti) to go home to my sister's wedding (Florida) and after that I go home for a few days (New York) so I can travel home (Belgium) and then back home (NY) for wedding before I go home again (Haiti) There is only a brief week where I will be at my sister's house in Georgia, which isn't home, but it IS family and doesn't that also count as home?
I cannot even wrap my head around how many worlds I will be traveling through. And each world is so different. I feel fatigued and I haven't even started to travel yet.
And I feel embarrassed and guilty for being depressed. Look at me, world traveler! living the dream! This is the life I know I choose. This is the life that makes sense and is vibrantly alive, though not always positively. This is the life that makes me the ghost on the periphery, always gliding in for big events, but never around for babysitting, or a weekly coffee date, or a shopping trip.
So in the following weeks, pray for joy in the moment that ISN'T tinged with pain and a little panic at leaving it all. Pray for this hyper alive life to be toned down for a moment. And maybe send me a note or a comment to let me know there are safety nets waiting for me at each of my homes.
I mean, seriously, swimming over what seemed like a mile of coral reef, criss-crossing over fan coral, brain coral, zebra fish, sea anemones, surfacing to the green trees of southern Haiti, eating a surprisingly delicious, thoroughly french meal, getting free samples of flavored rum, reading a new Asterix comic... How does this lead to me stretched out on the sofa, sick to my stomach, almost catatonic? ( I don't even remember what meals I ate)
And it hit me last night that I had truly enjoyed a day at the beach in my new home. Yes, I've lived here for almost two years, but this last week I've truly felt that I've finally settled here. I care about this place. I care about these people. My students are important and as they leave they take a part of me with them. My co-workers and friends are now my new normal and a large chunk of them are leaving as well.
And this is a very public place to be exposing all of this. But honestly, I need my community to understand. I need to let this be said in a public space.
I have too many homes.
This summer, I leave my home (Haiti) to go home to my sister's wedding (Florida) and after that I go home for a few days (New York) so I can travel home (Belgium) and then back home (NY) for wedding before I go home again (Haiti) There is only a brief week where I will be at my sister's house in Georgia, which isn't home, but it IS family and doesn't that also count as home?
I cannot even wrap my head around how many worlds I will be traveling through. And each world is so different. I feel fatigued and I haven't even started to travel yet.
And I feel embarrassed and guilty for being depressed. Look at me, world traveler! living the dream! This is the life I know I choose. This is the life that makes sense and is vibrantly alive, though not always positively. This is the life that makes me the ghost on the periphery, always gliding in for big events, but never around for babysitting, or a weekly coffee date, or a shopping trip.
So in the following weeks, pray for joy in the moment that ISN'T tinged with pain and a little panic at leaving it all. Pray for this hyper alive life to be toned down for a moment. And maybe send me a note or a comment to let me know there are safety nets waiting for me at each of my homes.
zondag 22 februari 2015
Lent 2015
I love the period of Lent.
Starting off with a bang, a party, a big carnival, then Ash wednesday and it's sacred pessimism ushering us into a time of simplicity and introspection. I've given up things over the years, but it hasn't been about giving up. It's been about anticipation. Easter needs that kind of build-up.
I've done something strange for Lent this year.
I've decided to add something, rather than give something up.
I have, for most of my life, noticed that my own particular demons tend to be exactly those things that others are striving towards as goals in Christian or Moral living. I used to think that made me 'more advanced' or 'more pious' than others. It took a long time to see that really, it just made me very isolated. I know I'm not alone in this, and I'm guessing others like me also feel isolated in this.
Essentially, I used altruism, selfless sacrificing, Christian ethics as others use other sophorific crutches. If I give enough, love enough, become self-effacing enough, I do not have to listen to my own hurt, my own fears. I do not have to BE. I do not have to recognize myself as an emotional creature that can be let down, disappointed or hurt.
So for Lent, rather than giving up something (because I give up everything, just so I don't have to feel the hurt of having it taken away. Seriously. Look at how many countries I've lived in) I'm choosing to BE in an area of life I have stopped BE-ing.
I stopped writing poetry a while ago, because poetry can be brutally honest. I did not like how my writing reflected actual struggles I had. I did not like having that much of myself on display.
So my Lenten challenge is to write poetry. I haven't set myself a goal other than to write at least once a week and to post it as soon as I've spell-checked it.
It's an exercise in being, without asking for a response, but without denying there will be one either.
What will you be doing for Lent?
Starting off with a bang, a party, a big carnival, then Ash wednesday and it's sacred pessimism ushering us into a time of simplicity and introspection. I've given up things over the years, but it hasn't been about giving up. It's been about anticipation. Easter needs that kind of build-up.
I've done something strange for Lent this year.
I've decided to add something, rather than give something up.
I have, for most of my life, noticed that my own particular demons tend to be exactly those things that others are striving towards as goals in Christian or Moral living. I used to think that made me 'more advanced' or 'more pious' than others. It took a long time to see that really, it just made me very isolated. I know I'm not alone in this, and I'm guessing others like me also feel isolated in this.
Essentially, I used altruism, selfless sacrificing, Christian ethics as others use other sophorific crutches. If I give enough, love enough, become self-effacing enough, I do not have to listen to my own hurt, my own fears. I do not have to BE. I do not have to recognize myself as an emotional creature that can be let down, disappointed or hurt.
So for Lent, rather than giving up something (because I give up everything, just so I don't have to feel the hurt of having it taken away. Seriously. Look at how many countries I've lived in) I'm choosing to BE in an area of life I have stopped BE-ing.
I stopped writing poetry a while ago, because poetry can be brutally honest. I did not like how my writing reflected actual struggles I had. I did not like having that much of myself on display.
So my Lenten challenge is to write poetry. I haven't set myself a goal other than to write at least once a week and to post it as soon as I've spell-checked it.
It's an exercise in being, without asking for a response, but without denying there will be one either.
What will you be doing for Lent?
dinsdag 25 november 2014
Thanksgiving update
Ok, that wasn't an original title, but then, don't judge a book by it's cover ;-)
This week has looked a little different for QCS. Our accredidation organization, ASCI, offers a yearly conference, and this year, QCS hosted the Haiti/Dominican version. Two days of educational videos is a nice break from teaching, and it has helped remind me that students sit like this all day unless we give them space to move.
Our generator has malfunctioned and we're running off of the back up generator. It doesn't have enough power to run much more than the office, the classroom in which we're watching the conference and the soccer lights. (They bring in revenue as outside groups use the field extensively)
The generator will be fixed before school starts up again. Such is life in Haiti. Things break, and we 'degagé' create a way around the problem.
I am not always that flexible. I've grumbled my way through the last week, as I've made plan after plan for thanksgiving only to find that it changed, moved, cancelled. The car broke down, there were mild riots, my puppy keeps finding new places to take a dump.
And I don't do well reminding myself that this is life, a series of challenges to my peace, my hope and my joy.
But, all is well.
My puppy likes to snuggle. She'll wrap herself around my neck in a pseudo hug, and it's nice! She also doesn't smell. I wash her with Fructis shampoo, so she smells like a hair commercial looks.
Tomorrow, my friend A. is coming from New York. She comes with a gust of fall weather and longing for other friends and experiences now behind me.
To say I am looking forward to her coming is not exactly accurate. I can feel her coming closer every hour.
We will hike Seguin together. We will talk and we will sit quietly side by side. I'll make her tea and we'll try to make Chadec and Lam together.
Classes:
I have been challenged by the administration to switch up class time use and so I've been changing the fledgeling curriculum I've developed last year to reflect that change. It's working well - students are engaging, working hard and learning. I, however, need to find my feet in the new program.
Prayer:
- students. continue to pray for their growth.
- My own journey. I am hoping to visit Belgium this year, and am planning accordingly. This is a major step for me. I've not planned a vacation just around me before.
This week has looked a little different for QCS. Our accredidation organization, ASCI, offers a yearly conference, and this year, QCS hosted the Haiti/Dominican version. Two days of educational videos is a nice break from teaching, and it has helped remind me that students sit like this all day unless we give them space to move.
Our generator has malfunctioned and we're running off of the back up generator. It doesn't have enough power to run much more than the office, the classroom in which we're watching the conference and the soccer lights. (They bring in revenue as outside groups use the field extensively)
The generator will be fixed before school starts up again. Such is life in Haiti. Things break, and we 'degagé' create a way around the problem.
I am not always that flexible. I've grumbled my way through the last week, as I've made plan after plan for thanksgiving only to find that it changed, moved, cancelled. The car broke down, there were mild riots, my puppy keeps finding new places to take a dump.
And I don't do well reminding myself that this is life, a series of challenges to my peace, my hope and my joy.
But, all is well.
My puppy likes to snuggle. She'll wrap herself around my neck in a pseudo hug, and it's nice! She also doesn't smell. I wash her with Fructis shampoo, so she smells like a hair commercial looks.
Tomorrow, my friend A. is coming from New York. She comes with a gust of fall weather and longing for other friends and experiences now behind me.
To say I am looking forward to her coming is not exactly accurate. I can feel her coming closer every hour.
We will hike Seguin together. We will talk and we will sit quietly side by side. I'll make her tea and we'll try to make Chadec and Lam together.
Classes:
I have been challenged by the administration to switch up class time use and so I've been changing the fledgeling curriculum I've developed last year to reflect that change. It's working well - students are engaging, working hard and learning. I, however, need to find my feet in the new program.
Prayer:
- students. continue to pray for their growth.
- My own journey. I am hoping to visit Belgium this year, and am planning accordingly. This is a major step for me. I've not planned a vacation just around me before.
Abonneren op:
Posts (Atom)