Last minute thoughts before my mad dash

I went snorkeling on Saturday and fell into a deep depression. No. that's not a sea joke, but an odd state of affairs non the less.  I've been gasping like a fish on land for two days trying to understand what was wrong with me.

I mean, seriously, swimming over what seemed like a mile of coral reef, criss-crossing over fan coral, brain coral, zebra fish, sea anemones, surfacing to the green trees of southern Haiti, eating a surprisingly delicious, thoroughly french meal, getting free samples of flavored rum, reading a new Asterix comic... How does this lead to me stretched out on the sofa, sick to my stomach, almost catatonic? ( I don't even remember what meals I ate)

And it hit me last night that I had truly enjoyed a day at the beach in my new home. Yes, I've lived here for almost two years, but this last week I've truly felt that I've finally settled here. I care about this place. I care about these people. My students are important and as they leave they take a part of me with them. My co-workers and friends are now my new normal and a large chunk of them are leaving as well.

And this is a very public place to be exposing all of this. But honestly, I need my community to understand. I need to let this be said in a public space.

I have too many homes.

This summer, I leave my home (Haiti) to go home to my sister's wedding (Florida) and after that I go home for a few days (New York) so I can travel home (Belgium) and then back home (NY) for wedding before I go home again (Haiti) There is only a brief week where I will be at my sister's house in Georgia, which isn't home, but it IS family and doesn't that also count as home?

I cannot even wrap my head around how many worlds I will be traveling through. And each world is so different.  I feel fatigued and I haven't even started to travel yet.

And I feel embarrassed and guilty for being depressed. Look at me, world traveler! living the dream! This is the life I know I choose. This is the life that makes sense and is vibrantly alive, though not always positively.  This is the life that makes me the ghost on the periphery, always gliding in for big events, but never around for babysitting, or a weekly coffee date, or a shopping trip.

So in the following weeks, pray for joy in the moment that ISN'T tinged with pain and a little panic at leaving it all. Pray for this hyper alive life to be toned down for a moment. And maybe send me a note or a comment to let me know there are safety nets waiting for me at each of my homes.