May 1st, 2014
Today is a national holiday in Haiti. As I type that I try to remember where else it's a day off, and that feeling of scrambling for cultural references has been emblematic of my time here at QCS. I'm growing more and more confused as to what traditions belong to which place as Belgium, England, the U.S.A and Haiti bleed into each other in this little international bubble.
So, some updates:
I have started biking with some of the guys around P.A.P. Let me tell you! Mes amis! we all have mountain bikes, and gloves - but still, I've come back bruised and sore. The streets here are only partially paved, and it's either down hill or up hill. I keep asking if we can go horizontal for a bit, and they look at me as if I'm speaking gibberish. In all fairness, I can't keep up with the more seasoned bikers, so I have started going on wednesday, when the bikes are not being used. Two students go with me, and since one speaks Creole and the other one looks like he could put your head through a wall, they serve as my body guards. Its a weird, yet good feeling, having these two 'bodyguards' take care of me. They are very considerate, stopping to get me a drink, insisting I rest or walk. I am reminded again that there are people who look after me. I am not used to such special treatment and I am guilty of occasionally snapping at them for treating me like a wimp. Which I am. And I won't become less of one, unless I accept their help and let them protect me. But, wow, biking is fun.
Next on my list is hiking. There are plenty of hiking trails here, but I run into the same old problem. I like hiking or walking on my own. It's been a longstanding habit. Now I have to go with people, and they are usually better at it than I am. There have been so many moments when I am tempted to stand and yell 'I'm sorry I'm slowing you down, but if you knew how much of a victory this is for me, you would be cheering me on.' I don't because I usually also remember that I'm probably the only one really bothered by my lack of skill or muscle.
I've been pleasantly surprised with my classes, and with myself. I've spent a lot of this year in fear and dread over being good enough, or fair enough or well, enough.. and as I look back I'm really enjoying the feeling I get when I realize that this first year was full of firsts for me, but the quality of the students' education was not suffering. They were challenged and they rose to the occasion.
I've been spending the 3-4 hour of most days with students who are doing poorly in my class. At first I thought I would be doing this just as a concession to show that I was doing all I could, but those after hours are actually helping some of the students. I've been amazed at how an F student in my class now has a B.
That brings me to the one big battle that I've been fighting with myself. I've been healthy for months now. I think, dare I say it, recovered and well-educated on how to keep myself in balance. I'm not stressing about food and drink or moving from one place to the other. I'm actually living. But now I have to clear out the cobbwebs that are left from what truly was a dismal, depressing period in my life. (just saying was is a beautiful thing) There is so much depressive thinking, so much negativity left over and so much of it justified in the last few years that my fight now is not a fight for motion and clarity, but for an attitude that will support good decisions. I keep thinking of the phrase 'screw your courage to the sticking plate', I'm not even sure where it's from, but it's what I do every morning. If anyone's seen Cool Runnings they will recognize the following mantra: 'I see pride, I see power, I see a bad ass mother who don't take no crap from nobody'... only mine runs more along the lines of ' I am seen, I am heard, I matter. My thoughts can be communicated and they can make a difference'.
I see this every time I discuss my teaching plans and get the feedback that I do. I might actually be good at this job. Not barely holding on, not making it up as I go along, but actually good at teaching English literature to high school students.
Oh, and World History. I love teaching this class. It's facts based so it's easy to assess - do you know the facts or not? done. But we've staged a wwI battle with water balloons and pressure washers and we've sung Spike Jones anti Hitler songs, danced to the Andrew Sisters and now they're making posters about war heroes.. it's fun.
As the school year winds down I am looking forward to the 'break' of a summer vacation. I've signed the contract for next year, so I will definitely be back, big sigh of relief, and so to the months in between.
I will spend June in NY, on a couch, finishing my grad school degree. I do very, very much hope to have everything done and dusted by August, so that I can officially add M.A. to my (very short) list of achievements.
After that I am going to explore the bus system of the U.S. by bussing my way down to Georgia to meet my new niece. I SO CANNOT WAIT!
From Georgia, to Florida for the last two weeks in July and then back on a plane to Haiti.
Things I'm excited about:
. Walking places alone.
. Seeing friends and catching up with people.
. Thrift store shopping! (lets just say my wardrobe needs some help)
. Picking up my Mandoline and learning how to play.
. Being in NY again.
Things I'll miss here:
. My students. Yes. As much as I hate to admit it, they are a huge part of my day
. Casav bread. It's the closest thing to actual bread that I can eat without regretting. And it's plentiful and cheap here. I might be one of the few 'blans' to smuggle food out of the country.
. The views - oh, how I will miss climbing up into the mountains
. my church. I'll miss the hard work of showing up for community.
. being 'home'. in my space with my things around me. It's the one part of this life I'm trying to come to terms with.
Prayer requests:
- wisdom in dealing with students. They have such complicated lives, that easy answers don't always apply.
- a reservoir of hope to hear their stories with. They face so much pain on a daily basis. These are the rich kids, children of country leaders, who live in glass houses.
- Health: I'm doing good! but there is always the knowledge that I could reverse that by a bad meal or a bad day. I've found a routine that works. No more sleepiness during the day, and only occasional naps. Pray for this to continue.
- Travel
- Community: I still struggle with living in one. I've wanted to for years, for the very reason I find it hard. There is no hiding in a community.
