It's a tuesday. Not the best time for writing a blog, but I'm learning that NOW is always a good time to do things.
I woke up 5 minutes before my class started today. walking in, I was mortified to see my principal up front. Thank God Art is a kind hearted leader, as I was close to tears as it was.
I struggle with mornings. Always have. This morning, on top of everything else, I was having a mild Asthma 'reaction'. Great.
Here is why that can be so discouraging:
i purposed yesterday that I would finish the lesson planning AND reading for my 12th graders so that I would be prepared for them. And I had finished. Kicking myself to stay awake and focused, I finally crawled into bed around 11. Not a bad hour, but still, I'd pushed myself for the last hour to finish. And so I woke up tired and not breathing well. It's enough to make me want to cry. If I push myself in one area, I will pay for it in another.
And I over analyze. Everything. How does one not? Even this post is veering into over analyzation.
As I sat, feeling overwhelmed with it all, I read an email from a new contact. Someone who has taught English in the past. Her first words were 'you are teaching all of that? How are you not overwhelmed? Let me see what I can send you.' And I realized... I am overwhelmed. I can't keep up. But there are people who will come alongside when I need them.
...
And now it's Wednesday and I've made it through another day. I chose to not attend worship and to forgo singing the wonderful worship songs I had picked out. All day was spent in a haze. Frustration mounting, hunger mounting... loneliness filling all the cracks that were left.
Fear began biting at my most vulnerable areas. What if it just gets worse? what if I... and I then began to realize that there is no 'I'. This person, the 'I' so often blamed or praised for things, can't do anything. God can.
So I sleep. I eat. I grade. and I open my email and someone has sent me a year outline for 12th grade british lit (Which is priceless. so, so helpful) and I move forward.
My lungs and sinuses are in God's hands.
And then in bible study, someone said 'it's possible to be in the freedom of Christ without the Identity in him'. There it is. That is my illness.
If this post doesn't make sense ( a perennial fear) it is because I am trying to avoid two extremes. I am trying to live in the beginning of identity.
In the meantime... I get to work this out in fear and trembling, WHILE working my dream job, in a crazy country I am finding more and more fascinating.
