Speaking in Chapel

Last wednesday I spoke in our high school chapel. You can listen to it here.
I haven't been able to make myself listen to it yet.

I spoke on 'What do you do when God disappoints you?'
the topic was of my own choosing and I (yes, I can blame no one else) asked to speak on it.


I was very worried going in because the struggle I was going to talk about was evident and clear in my own life. I was also picking it up from my students left and right. But I wasn't sure how to talk about it.  i was worried that I would break down half-way through, or that I would begin ranting at God or that I would finish in a place of darkness. Even worse, I was worried I would finish with a fake happy ending and lose all my students in one moment of overdone churchiness.

I was so nervous, excited and nervous, I had a hard time reviewing my notes.

The talk went well. The moment I introduced the subject I saw students sit up and pay attention. Since I'd counted on half of them sleeping through chapel, I was almost thrown off course by their stares.

I don't quite know how to explain the moment, but it was special. I had not intended to share personal stories, but it felt appropriate to be honest with them about where I stood on the subject.

After chapel some students come up and hugged me - without saying much else, they just thanked me for the message. Throughout the day, students continued to trickle through my door to say how much it meant. One was trying not to cry, another was shaking and so on.

I felt nervous and scared but also profoundly grateful to have made a connection with these kids.

The new openess that these kids have shown in the wake of the talk is clear evidence that God approved, and God used.

That's no small thing, and I'm still processing it.

thank you for your prayers, they were answered in a big way.

Please pray for:

-8th grader who has been trying to see me since wednesday to talk about chapel.
-12th grader 1 who is struggling with trusting me enough to share
- 12th grader 2 who is making it day by day.
- 11th grader who is processing a difficult past, and is scared of dealing with the memories
- staff as we deal with these and more.

Update

So, an update is long overdue. I've tried to write one, even have a few drafts saved, but I wasn't saying what I wanted to say. So, rather than wait for it to be perfect, I'm just going to blunder on and write from the heart...

Nothing around me has changed, but being where I'm at, teaching where I'm teaching and being around my new community has highlighted some glaring issues in my life.

I have been incapable of accepting goodness in my life.

uhm, Jen.. could you explain? that sounds overly dramatic and possibly poser-esque. What time period are you studying with your students again? The Romantics? Ah, yes.. that explains it.  Don't mind me.. Carry on.

Last thursday, a student gave me a puppy.  I now own a puppy. I have wanted a puppy for years. I never thought i would actually own one. Am I happy? I'm freaked the hell out. Seriously.

Because she is a good thing. A good thing that has happened to me. Only me.
The last few months have delivered me several blows of this nature.

1) I received my Masters.
2) I was encouraged to publish
3) I attended a friends wedding and found I had not been forgotten (remember - romantics.. It's hard to not be contaminated by Poe)
4) I am doing well in teaching
5) Teaching is life giving to me.. and my students (ok, so not all of them.. but one or two)
6) I have a puppy

I am no longer huddling on the floor of my parents house, waiting for energy to get up on to the sofa.

And that scares me.  I lost everything once. What if I lose it all again?

But somewhere, something has changed. I no longer believe what happened to me (illness et al) was the natural consequence of stepping out of line (don't ask me what line I stepped out of. I'm hazy on the details)
I no longer believe that God had forgotten about me and when I was brought to his attention he tried to snuff me out to make up for the mistake. (I'm not saying it's theologically sound)

And yes, that's an incredibly dramatic, pessimistic view of the world. I didn't realize that until I heard myself explaining it to a councilor.   I'm not sure I have another one formed yet, but in the meantime, somewhere deep inside, there is a confidence that says Christ died for me.

And I don't have to write it on my arm like I used to so that I could remember it. It's there, fomenting, working it's way deeper and deeper.

In short, realistically, my days have been spent in trying out new models of behavior, suffering acute panic attacks when I realize how risky that is, and soldier on regardless.

Even posting this... is an act of defiance, courage, faith.. not sure. But I know that you are reading this and you are reading it because in some small way you care.  Let me tell you, that is the scariest thought of all.  Because that is a good thing, a good and intentional gift from you to me.  ( pardon me while I go hyperventilate just thinking about it)

But in the meantime, I will go put a little puppy to bed who is currently asleep on my feet.


Prayer points:
-pray for my 12th grade students. Most of them are leaving the island to go to school all over the world.

- Pray for my lessons: They are going well, and students are very well behaved. But the work load continues to be hard for me to balance - when to try and change the system or when to try and soldier on are two questions I have a hard time answering.

- Pray for Haiti: We visited the National museum (one room) yesterday and this country has so much pride (justly so) and so much adversity (unjustly most often)  It's hard to know how to pray - except for humility for all us foreigners living here as we try to do the least damage possible and maybe even some good.

-Pray for me: It feels self-indulgent at times to be so preoccupied with myself while clearly my time could be better spent with students or in other volunteer projects, but I am at a place where I know that I cannot ignore it any longer. To do so would be unchristian although it feels unchristian to walk through it. Pray for peace of mind, fewer panic attacks, more focus and the gift of margins in my life.