Thanksgiving update

Ok, that wasn't an original title, but then,  don't judge a book by it's cover ;-)

This week has looked a little different for QCS. Our accredidation organization, ASCI, offers a yearly conference, and this year, QCS hosted the Haiti/Dominican version. Two days of educational videos is a nice break from teaching, and it has helped remind me that students sit like this all day unless we give them space to move.

Our generator has malfunctioned and we're running off of the back up generator. It doesn't have enough power to run much more than the office, the classroom in which we're watching the conference and the soccer lights. (They bring in revenue as outside groups use the field extensively)

The generator will be fixed before school starts up again. Such is life in Haiti. Things break, and we 'degagé' create a way around the problem.

I am not always that flexible.  I've grumbled my way through the last week, as I've made plan after plan for thanksgiving only to find that it changed, moved, cancelled.  The car broke down, there were mild riots, my puppy keeps finding new places to take a dump.

And I don't do well reminding myself that this is life, a series of challenges to my peace, my hope and my joy.

But, all is well. 

My puppy likes to snuggle. She'll wrap herself around my neck in a pseudo hug, and it's nice! She also doesn't smell. I wash her with Fructis shampoo, so she smells like a hair commercial looks.

Tomorrow, my friend A. is coming from New York. She comes with a gust of fall weather and longing for other friends and experiences now behind me. 
To say I am looking forward to her coming is not exactly accurate. I can feel her coming closer every hour.

We will hike Seguin together. We will talk and we will sit quietly side by side.  I'll make her tea and we'll try to make Chadec and Lam together.

Classes:

I have been challenged by the administration to switch up class time use and so I've been changing the fledgeling curriculum I've developed last year to reflect that change. It's working well - students are engaging, working hard and learning.  I, however, need to find my feet in the new program. 

Prayer:
- students. continue to pray for their growth.
- My own journey. I am hoping to visit Belgium this year, and am planning accordingly. This is a major step for me. I've not planned a vacation just around me before.

suprised by gratefullness

It didn't last long, but I had a moment of intense gratitude today. I was very thankfull for my tile countertops. Nothing had happened, neither was I anticipating anything happening. I was simply very grateful for living in a house that has tile floors and tile counters. It was sensible and practical and I firmly approved of the idea.
And I realized, in order to be grateful, you have to know for a fact that the thing is yours. I spend so much time living with my life held closely in my hands, watching events and memories slip out of my grasp, worrying about bearing the loss of one more person, one more place that I had lost out on being thankful.  There are moments that are indisputably mine - no one else will take them from me.
so I began to look at other things I was grateful for, especially living in Haiti.
- as I said, tile floors and counters. Easy cleaning, clean feeling.
- large living quarters
- roommates that are chill about my new puppy
- my new puppy
- mountains at my doorstep!
- The growing trees and bushes in my little garden
- World class rum for a dollar a bottle.
- Cuban cigars at 2 dollars a pop
- a family nearby with similar book tastes
- a lending library that hosts a meet and greet every two weeks
- walking again.
- public transport for 25 cents
- students who engage
- shakespeare reading parties
- Singing in chapel


Those are just a few to pop into my head. I have more, but it's nice to have a list of things that are MINE.  Because they are mine, I can be grateful  for them.

Speaking in Chapel

Last wednesday I spoke in our high school chapel. You can listen to it here.
I haven't been able to make myself listen to it yet.

I spoke on 'What do you do when God disappoints you?'
the topic was of my own choosing and I (yes, I can blame no one else) asked to speak on it.


I was very worried going in because the struggle I was going to talk about was evident and clear in my own life. I was also picking it up from my students left and right. But I wasn't sure how to talk about it.  i was worried that I would break down half-way through, or that I would begin ranting at God or that I would finish in a place of darkness. Even worse, I was worried I would finish with a fake happy ending and lose all my students in one moment of overdone churchiness.

I was so nervous, excited and nervous, I had a hard time reviewing my notes.

The talk went well. The moment I introduced the subject I saw students sit up and pay attention. Since I'd counted on half of them sleeping through chapel, I was almost thrown off course by their stares.

I don't quite know how to explain the moment, but it was special. I had not intended to share personal stories, but it felt appropriate to be honest with them about where I stood on the subject.

After chapel some students come up and hugged me - without saying much else, they just thanked me for the message. Throughout the day, students continued to trickle through my door to say how much it meant. One was trying not to cry, another was shaking and so on.

I felt nervous and scared but also profoundly grateful to have made a connection with these kids.

The new openess that these kids have shown in the wake of the talk is clear evidence that God approved, and God used.

That's no small thing, and I'm still processing it.

thank you for your prayers, they were answered in a big way.

Please pray for:

-8th grader who has been trying to see me since wednesday to talk about chapel.
-12th grader 1 who is struggling with trusting me enough to share
- 12th grader 2 who is making it day by day.
- 11th grader who is processing a difficult past, and is scared of dealing with the memories
- staff as we deal with these and more.

Update

So, an update is long overdue. I've tried to write one, even have a few drafts saved, but I wasn't saying what I wanted to say. So, rather than wait for it to be perfect, I'm just going to blunder on and write from the heart...

Nothing around me has changed, but being where I'm at, teaching where I'm teaching and being around my new community has highlighted some glaring issues in my life.

I have been incapable of accepting goodness in my life.

uhm, Jen.. could you explain? that sounds overly dramatic and possibly poser-esque. What time period are you studying with your students again? The Romantics? Ah, yes.. that explains it.  Don't mind me.. Carry on.

Last thursday, a student gave me a puppy.  I now own a puppy. I have wanted a puppy for years. I never thought i would actually own one. Am I happy? I'm freaked the hell out. Seriously.

Because she is a good thing. A good thing that has happened to me. Only me.
The last few months have delivered me several blows of this nature.

1) I received my Masters.
2) I was encouraged to publish
3) I attended a friends wedding and found I had not been forgotten (remember - romantics.. It's hard to not be contaminated by Poe)
4) I am doing well in teaching
5) Teaching is life giving to me.. and my students (ok, so not all of them.. but one or two)
6) I have a puppy

I am no longer huddling on the floor of my parents house, waiting for energy to get up on to the sofa.

And that scares me.  I lost everything once. What if I lose it all again?

But somewhere, something has changed. I no longer believe what happened to me (illness et al) was the natural consequence of stepping out of line (don't ask me what line I stepped out of. I'm hazy on the details)
I no longer believe that God had forgotten about me and when I was brought to his attention he tried to snuff me out to make up for the mistake. (I'm not saying it's theologically sound)

And yes, that's an incredibly dramatic, pessimistic view of the world. I didn't realize that until I heard myself explaining it to a councilor.   I'm not sure I have another one formed yet, but in the meantime, somewhere deep inside, there is a confidence that says Christ died for me.

And I don't have to write it on my arm like I used to so that I could remember it. It's there, fomenting, working it's way deeper and deeper.

In short, realistically, my days have been spent in trying out new models of behavior, suffering acute panic attacks when I realize how risky that is, and soldier on regardless.

Even posting this... is an act of defiance, courage, faith.. not sure. But I know that you are reading this and you are reading it because in some small way you care.  Let me tell you, that is the scariest thought of all.  Because that is a good thing, a good and intentional gift from you to me.  ( pardon me while I go hyperventilate just thinking about it)

But in the meantime, I will go put a little puppy to bed who is currently asleep on my feet.


Prayer points:
-pray for my 12th grade students. Most of them are leaving the island to go to school all over the world.

- Pray for my lessons: They are going well, and students are very well behaved. But the work load continues to be hard for me to balance - when to try and change the system or when to try and soldier on are two questions I have a hard time answering.

- Pray for Haiti: We visited the National museum (one room) yesterday and this country has so much pride (justly so) and so much adversity (unjustly most often)  It's hard to know how to pray - except for humility for all us foreigners living here as we try to do the least damage possible and maybe even some good.

-Pray for me: It feels self-indulgent at times to be so preoccupied with myself while clearly my time could be better spent with students or in other volunteer projects, but I am at a place where I know that I cannot ignore it any longer. To do so would be unchristian although it feels unchristian to walk through it. Pray for peace of mind, fewer panic attacks, more focus and the gift of margins in my life.

Quick update and request

I'm not going to give much information in this post, because what is going on is not for documentation just yet on the web for all to see. It's personal and private to me. Message me if you would like more information or if you are worried.

I'm fine, I still have a job, but I need those who pray to pray for me right now and for the next few weeks.

I had a sleepless night last night,  undergoing some major perspective battles/shifts.

I need my community to be around me, however international that is at this point.

Some good ideas on dealing with poverty

here's a good article on how to interact with people who are used to being given handouts.
It's an interesting question in Haiti and one, I think, people should think through before they come.
What to do when people ask you for money or things

Summer 'break'

Hello all.


Imagine this: I'm sitting in a studio apartment in Brooklyn, in trendy fair trade pajama bottoms, eating indian leftovers with fresh avocados from the corner market. My army issue duffel bag is being used as a footrest. The sun is shining outside and soon I will leave the apartment to find a starbucks where I can continue to write my thesis... This is a good moment. so I thought I would share it with all of you.

School ended in a bang. Finals written, given and graded. Parents and sibling came, toured, helped me move house. I packed, moved, un packed (ish), repacked and prepped for summer.
The I got on a plane, flew to Fort Lauderdale, spent a lovely afternoon with family and friends, and got back on a plane and flew to Westchester.

A week late for grad-school and scared I would not succeed, I commenced a month of living on a couch, perfecting the intricate dance of sharing a car (I drop you off, pick you up, then you drop me off, watch a soccer game, I walk to where you are... and yeah.. we're good) daily for a month and reading WAY TOO MUCH Faulkner. (I get you, Faulkner. I do. You're pivotal. Good on you for defending desegregation in the South. But seriously, the South is like the moon to me. Don't really understand it.)
My thesis is actually good and actually being written, although it is a torturous process.

I ended that month with a holiday weekend jam packed with fun. I was allowed out into nature for the first time in a month- a rambling hike through Bear mountain state park was followed by, what else, a trip to Ikea and bbc television well into the night. next day was Cloisters museum in NY and a picnic on the lawn. (I pride myself on being able to pick friends who do awesome picnics).

Now I've started the long migration South.  I leave for Philly tomorrow, and from there, via Washington D. C., I'll make it to Georgia, and then florida and then, finally, back home to Haiti.


Being in the states and visiting friends is truly special. I've enjoyed it and look forward to continuing to enjoy it. Being able to finish a degree I've been fighting for is a good feeling.


But I miss home. I want to plant my little garden, I want to implement some new classroom ideas... I want to get a book group up and running. In short, I am enjoying the idea of having a home, and looking forward to being in it.

Next year, I'll be teaching ninth grade history and eleventh and twelfth grade english (American and British Lit, respectively) It's a good line up and I am really excited about continuing to improve my curriculum and my teaching skills.

My thesis, should anyone wish to know, is focused on highlighting the Flemish influence on the Canterbury tales, (actually more on Chaucer - but using the tales)
It's fun to research and write about, and my advisor has been absolutely brilliant about helping me out.


Two other things: If you are in need of good T.V. I recommend the following two series.
Salamander (netflix) a dutch detective drama
Miranda a BBC comedy series: If you're a single woman over a certain age, you'll identify more than you would care to admit. but you'll also laugh harder than you though possible.

and now, procrastination at an end,  back to my books.

Sore but Satisfied

May 1st, 2014

Today is a national holiday in Haiti. As I type that I try to remember where else it's a day off, and that feeling of scrambling for cultural references has been emblematic of my time here at QCS. I'm growing more and more confused as to what traditions belong to which place as Belgium, England, the U.S.A and Haiti bleed into each other in this little international bubble.


So, some updates:

I have started biking with some of the guys around P.A.P. Let me tell you! Mes amis! we all have mountain bikes, and gloves - but still, I've come back bruised and sore. The streets here are only partially paved, and it's either down hill or up hill. I keep asking if we can go horizontal for a bit, and they look at me as if I'm speaking gibberish. In all fairness, I can't keep up with the more seasoned bikers, so I have started going on wednesday, when the bikes are not being used. Two students go with me, and since one speaks Creole and the other one looks like he could put your head through a wall, they serve as my body guards. Its a weird, yet good feeling, having these two 'bodyguards' take care of me. They are very considerate, stopping to get me a drink, insisting I rest or walk. I am reminded again that there are people who look after me. I am not used to such special treatment and I am guilty of occasionally snapping at them for treating me like a wimp. Which I am. And I won't become less of one, unless I accept their help and let them protect me. But, wow, biking is fun.

Next on my list is hiking. There are plenty of hiking trails here, but I run into the same old problem. I like hiking or walking on my own. It's been a longstanding habit. Now I have to go with people, and they are usually better at it than I am. There have been so many moments when I am tempted to stand and yell 'I'm sorry I'm slowing you down, but if you knew how much of a victory this is for me, you would be cheering me on.'  I don't because I usually also remember that I'm probably the only one really bothered by my lack of skill or muscle.

I've been pleasantly surprised with my classes, and with myself. I've spent a lot of this year in  fear and dread over being good enough, or fair enough or well, enough.. and as I look back I'm really enjoying the feeling I get when I realize that this first year was full of firsts for me, but the quality of the students' education was not suffering. They were challenged and they rose to the occasion.
I've been spending the 3-4 hour of most days with students who are doing poorly in my class. At first I thought I would be doing this just as a concession to show that I was doing all I could, but those after hours are actually helping some of the students. I've been amazed at how an F student in my class now has a B.

That brings me to the one big battle that I've been fighting with myself.  I've been healthy for months now. I think, dare I say it, recovered and well-educated on how to keep myself in balance.  I'm not stressing about food and drink or moving from one place to the other. I'm actually living.  But now I have to clear out the cobbwebs that are left from what truly was a dismal, depressing period in my life. (just saying was is a beautiful thing) There is so much depressive thinking, so much negativity left over and so much of it justified in the last few years that my fight now is not a fight for motion and clarity, but for an attitude that will support good decisions. I keep thinking of the phrase 'screw your courage to the sticking plate', I'm not even sure where it's from, but it's what I do every morning. If anyone's seen Cool Runnings they will recognize the following mantra: 'I see pride, I see power, I see a bad ass mother who don't take no crap from nobody'... only mine runs more along the lines of ' I am seen, I am heard, I matter. My thoughts can be communicated and they can make a difference'.
I see this every time I discuss my teaching plans and get the feedback that I do. I might actually be good at this job. Not barely holding on, not making it up as I go along, but actually good at teaching English literature to high school students.

Oh, and World History.  I love teaching this class. It's facts based so it's easy to assess - do you know the facts or not? done. But we've staged a wwI battle with water balloons and pressure washers and we've sung Spike Jones anti Hitler songs, danced to the Andrew Sisters and now they're making posters about war heroes.. it's fun.

As the school year winds down I am looking forward to the 'break' of a summer vacation.  I've signed the contract for next year, so I will definitely be back, big sigh of relief, and so to the months in between.

I will spend June in NY, on a couch, finishing my grad school degree.  I do very, very much hope to have everything done and dusted by August, so that I can officially add M.A. to my (very short) list of achievements.

After that I am going to explore the bus system of the U.S. by bussing my way down to Georgia to meet my new niece. I SO CANNOT WAIT!

From Georgia, to Florida for the last two weeks in July and then back on a plane to Haiti.

Things I'm excited about:
. Walking places alone.
. Seeing friends and catching up with people.
. Thrift store shopping! (lets just say my wardrobe needs some help)
. Picking up my Mandoline and learning how to play.
. Being in NY again.

Things I'll miss here:
. My students. Yes. As much as I hate to admit it, they are a huge part of my day
. Casav bread. It's the closest thing to actual bread that I can eat without regretting. And it's plentiful and cheap here. I might be one of the few 'blans' to smuggle food out  of the country.
. The views - oh, how I will miss climbing up into the mountains
. my church. I'll miss the hard work of showing up for community.
. being 'home'. in my space with my things around me. It's the one part of this life I'm trying to come to terms with.


Prayer requests:
- wisdom in dealing with students. They have such complicated lives, that easy answers don't always apply.
- a reservoir of hope to hear their stories with. They face so much pain on a daily basis. These are the rich kids, children of country leaders, who live in glass houses.
- Health: I'm doing good! but there is always the knowledge that I could reverse that by a bad meal or a bad day. I've found a routine that works. No more sleepiness during the day, and only occasional naps. Pray for this to continue.
- Travel
- Community: I still struggle with living in one. I've wanted to for years, for the very reason I find it hard. There is no hiding in a community.

Too long

It has been far too long.  And since I'm updating at 10 p.m. after a two day beach stay, I'm not too sure how extant this update will be.


Let's take it month by month.

December 2013:

I decided to stay in Haiti for Christmas. There were too many options and too many requests for me to comfortably choose where I'd go for Christmas. I had also not had a chance to simply live in Haiti without having to plan for classes or fill out paperwork. I also needed a week of quiet to assess what I'd done with teaching and what needed to be done for the next few months.
At the end of the first term, I had my Creative Writing class put together an online writing journal, which we presented in Chapel.  The students canvased the student body for original works of art and then created the journal. I would have liked it to be a physical copy, but I was too fresh to the country to know how to go about doing that.
All in all, my classes ended well. I have learned that I am a functioning perfectionist - pray for this, as it is seriously hampering my work.
I spent Christmas vacation visiting friends and joining in some of the ex-pat community celebrations.

January 2014:

The first week of the New Year was spent in lesson planning for my new class. Since Creative Writing ended, I was given 9th grade World History. They have a text book but that was all I had to work with.
So, since I now have four courses to prepare for, I have been rather busy.  Being co-advisor for the 9th grade class has also meant that outside activities were becoming a norm. Planning meetings, class meetings,  Valentine's day organizations.. it sucks the hours right out of the day!

February 2014:

More work, more planning! My Brit. Lit. class is reading Jane Eyre and starting on their first draft of a research paper due at the end of the year. American Lit has just finished My Antonia and handed in a paper on that. World History has left the French Revolution behind and is heading into the brouhaha that is WWI. 9th grade English has finished Mythology and is starting Lord of the Flies.
Mid-month I realize that I don't have time to prepare AND grade and my grading is lagging behind, and then I get a stomach bug... two days before spring break.

March 2014:

A dear friend from N.Y. flies in to visit me for a week! This gives me a push in taking a break. We've been to the beach and tomorrow we're heading to the mountains. Having a friendly face from (one of them at least) home helped me relax and evaluate the situation.  The job I have is truly overwhelming IF I don't break it down into sections and set guide lines for my thinking. I am reminded of the verse 'For we are taking every thought captive in obedience to Christ' (2 Cor 10:5)
This time, instead of interpreting it as a stern command to think only on otherworldly things, I take it as meaning that I should list the truths of Christ opposite the 'truths' of my own mind. 'you will surely fail' is in contrast to 'my strength is sufficient for you' and so forth. It's been a rough and beautiful ride.  So many things are happening - so many things are being transformed.

There isn't a lot of detail in this post - I apologize for that! I don't tolerate vagueness in my student's writing and here it is in mine!
More to follow. But here are my prayer requests:

- Continuation of physical health. I've taken 4 sick days this year, and I would like those to be the total.
- Healing in general: God is working on me mightily. Some days I worry that he's asking more than I can deliver. He's guiding me through quite a bit of misguided thinking and wrong presuppositions - and I fully embrace his promptings. But I still have to work my day job! There have been days in which I've experienced a profound shift in my understanding of Christ, and have then taught class in a haze, not quite present. I recognize the necessity of this period, but I also must be able to work.
- This one sounds petty, but please pray for my own work space. I share a classroom, and the staff lounge has only 3 desks so we can't spread out. I'm finding it very hard to juggle four classes, the media and literature for each, changing classrooms and changing desks. The school is looking in to what they can do, but pray for space.
- Pray for my community. Obviously, since this is a public space, I won't name people here, but there are some hard, hard struggles going on in some of my acquaintances lives.  These people are brave enough to share with me and lean on me at times. Pray for them and for the strength I need to be there for them.
- Pray for Haiti.  Specifically for an election to be held soon to keep the government going. The senate elects a third of it's members every two years. We're already down to a two thirds capacity since they canceled the last election. If they cancel this next one, the senate will be rendered ineffective. I don't think it will come to that, but pray that the government will push themselves to be honorable in their decisions.