Reminders

abandonment

Oh, it's been too long since I wrote anything to anyone.
I'm sitting in my new apartment, surrounded by new friends, and new events and new this and new that.. and I find a familiar feeling dragging me down again.

It's a strong pull, and I acknowledge that I'm only writing because I've already been dragged down, held under and spit back out, dizzy and slightly sick on the edge - safe for now, but not for long.

A friend is getting married, a friend left suddenly, a friend can't move back and I have only one word to describe how I react to that.

Abandonment.

It's a big word. A harsh word.
I don't like it. I don't own it.

I don't even want to write about it, let alone feel it.

But it's still at the core of me.

I hate it. I hate being so broken. I have things to do and people to see. One day I'll reverse that order. moving on...

Close friends know this about me. I'm sure it's with frustration and sadness they recognize the ebb and flow of my fear each year and each new life event. I become ornery, sarcastic, defensive and preemptive. I will scuttle my own boat - before you do it for me.

I know these things about myself.
And every time I transition or people transition out of my life (or out of one aspect of it) I melt down.
These last few years I've done so much work to be healthy, to be conscious about my choices, to live well - and I've become so much more of a real person.
I've finally started to make decisions on what my personality and character would enjoy rather than what I felt obligated to do.
And each victory opens up a part of me I've closed off, and then I panic because
I. don't. want. to. deal. with. all. the. feels.

I don't know how. I'm don't know how to feel safe in emotions. I don't know how to feel.

This is my M.O.:
I get triggered. I slam shut. I experience physical pain. I throw up.

It's getting better. I don't ALWAYS throw up when I should cry instead.  Now I'm at the point where I will tear up in public and panic because I think I am going to throw up - but I don't.

Is this the best forum for all of this emoting?
Is this the best way to heal and grow?

I'm not sure.
I'm not posting this for sympathy or for encouragement - I'm posting it as an exercise in stoic vulnerability (hehe, I know those don't work together) because when it's not fucking exhausting and terrifying, it's rather a good experience.

I need more emotional range, and I need to stop living in the worst possibles and the what ifs. I've had too many people invest too much time in me to feel this way.

It's not my character, it's not my destiny, it's a knee jerk reaction I developed as a young child and have never really challenged.