November 13th

For lack of a better title, this will have to do.  At least it shows you all that nothing serious is going on, just another update, no major life changes... Or maybe chronicling the non-extraordinary is a major change?
I tend to wait for the BIG NEWS or the saddest day, or the darkest moment to write a blog. I am reminded of my network out there when something upsets my network here. And that is human and that is wrong.
My everyday is filled with little things, good and bad, and if I don't take the time to share them with you, we will meet one day over coffee and I will stare at you as my words bottleneck in my throat. How to explain a year in a few hours? So here is my week so far:

An unexpected miscommunication a week ago sent me into a tailspin of worry and negativity.  On Monday I scraped my gumption out from behind the stairs where it had been hiding and confronted my fear of more bad news and scheduled the dreaded meeting. It took only 15 minutes to rewire the entire incident so that I could take the same conversation that had initially floored me and forced me back into my little self-protecting shell and use it to encourage my soul.  Monday was a day of affirmation. I am where I am wanted and where I am useful.

As 9th grade co-advisor, this week and last has been an exercise in herding cats. Never will I ever complain about working with music people (You know who you are, and I love you). 13 year olds are infinitely worse. My Co-advisor is home-schooled, and I've never done this before so we are as green as can be. Each meeting we learn a little more about ourselves and the students. They are having a movie night on Friday and at this point I feel very much as if we are in a cartoon car careening though the 2D corridors of planning and preparation. People bouncing around, dropping out, changing places. No driver, three drivers, suddenly we're in a boat? But getting to know the kids is totally worth it. They are, each one of them, stealing their way into my heart. Don't you dare tell ANY of them that.  What a privilege it is to work in a place where hugs are encouraged, and relationships are priority.

Today I had a student walk out of my class because he was feeling 'unwell'. I followed him out the door, feeling out of control. I knew he wasn't really physically ill, and I knew he was a good kid. What could I do?  I pulled him into the hallway and had him face me, and it clicked. He was having a panic attack. Could I talk him down from this?  My usually insecure, overanalyzing, paralyzed self disappeared without a trace. I was superwoman (and yes, a bit momish) and I looked him straight in the eyes (which were about 20 cm above mine... seniors..) and bullied him into calm. He went for a quick walk and came back to class. And it hit me: I know so much more about how to work with him than I did before the attack. This kid had been an enigma to me, and now I had at least the beginnings of a vocabulary. After school he stopped by for a meeting he had been blowing off for a week now. Relationship.

So as I go forward, I still struggle with dark days. There are major life happenings that are painful and cause suffering. There are days I yell at God, and turn my back on Him in frustration. But there are also days like today in which I'm ok with my own imperfection - getting close to the idea that His perfection cancels out my need for this.
Goodnight, goodnight.. and as my 9th graders now say 'parting is such sweet sorrow'