Update

So, an update is long overdue. I've tried to write one, even have a few drafts saved, but I wasn't saying what I wanted to say. So, rather than wait for it to be perfect, I'm just going to blunder on and write from the heart...

Nothing around me has changed, but being where I'm at, teaching where I'm teaching and being around my new community has highlighted some glaring issues in my life.

I have been incapable of accepting goodness in my life.

uhm, Jen.. could you explain? that sounds overly dramatic and possibly poser-esque. What time period are you studying with your students again? The Romantics? Ah, yes.. that explains it.  Don't mind me.. Carry on.

Last thursday, a student gave me a puppy.  I now own a puppy. I have wanted a puppy for years. I never thought i would actually own one. Am I happy? I'm freaked the hell out. Seriously.

Because she is a good thing. A good thing that has happened to me. Only me.
The last few months have delivered me several blows of this nature.

1) I received my Masters.
2) I was encouraged to publish
3) I attended a friends wedding and found I had not been forgotten (remember - romantics.. It's hard to not be contaminated by Poe)
4) I am doing well in teaching
5) Teaching is life giving to me.. and my students (ok, so not all of them.. but one or two)
6) I have a puppy

I am no longer huddling on the floor of my parents house, waiting for energy to get up on to the sofa.

And that scares me.  I lost everything once. What if I lose it all again?

But somewhere, something has changed. I no longer believe what happened to me (illness et al) was the natural consequence of stepping out of line (don't ask me what line I stepped out of. I'm hazy on the details)
I no longer believe that God had forgotten about me and when I was brought to his attention he tried to snuff me out to make up for the mistake. (I'm not saying it's theologically sound)

And yes, that's an incredibly dramatic, pessimistic view of the world. I didn't realize that until I heard myself explaining it to a councilor.   I'm not sure I have another one formed yet, but in the meantime, somewhere deep inside, there is a confidence that says Christ died for me.

And I don't have to write it on my arm like I used to so that I could remember it. It's there, fomenting, working it's way deeper and deeper.

In short, realistically, my days have been spent in trying out new models of behavior, suffering acute panic attacks when I realize how risky that is, and soldier on regardless.

Even posting this... is an act of defiance, courage, faith.. not sure. But I know that you are reading this and you are reading it because in some small way you care.  Let me tell you, that is the scariest thought of all.  Because that is a good thing, a good and intentional gift from you to me.  ( pardon me while I go hyperventilate just thinking about it)

But in the meantime, I will go put a little puppy to bed who is currently asleep on my feet.


Prayer points:
-pray for my 12th grade students. Most of them are leaving the island to go to school all over the world.

- Pray for my lessons: They are going well, and students are very well behaved. But the work load continues to be hard for me to balance - when to try and change the system or when to try and soldier on are two questions I have a hard time answering.

- Pray for Haiti: We visited the National museum (one room) yesterday and this country has so much pride (justly so) and so much adversity (unjustly most often)  It's hard to know how to pray - except for humility for all us foreigners living here as we try to do the least damage possible and maybe even some good.

-Pray for me: It feels self-indulgent at times to be so preoccupied with myself while clearly my time could be better spent with students or in other volunteer projects, but I am at a place where I know that I cannot ignore it any longer. To do so would be unchristian although it feels unchristian to walk through it. Pray for peace of mind, fewer panic attacks, more focus and the gift of margins in my life.